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Recovery.

As of today, I have not self-injured in 10 years!!!
I'm having a really, really hard time... Haven't felt this terrible for a very long time. I'm scared.

Struggling.

I haven't written in ages, but I just wanted to update to say that things are kinda rough right now, and I really need to vent and talk, but I just haven't had the energy. I hope I'll find the energy soon.

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Vacations and lack thereof.

So, I was planning to go with wifey and little Nate when they go to Alabama to visit wifey's parents next month. She's not out to them; they are very homophobic, and have said they would disown a child who was LGBTQ. They know me as a very good friend to my wifey, and they know that Nate calls me momo. And they actually really like me a lot, but as I said, they don't know the true relationship between wifey and me. I was fine with being closeted while visiting; not ideal, but I can handle it. But I'm worried how my dog Macy would handle the very long car ride, because she gets horribly car sick, even with dramamine or benadryl. Leaving her home with ambigu-sweetie isn't an option, because he works over 8 hours a day, and Macy needs crated when home alone, and I don't want her crated for such a long period 5 days a week. Also, I really didn't want to just leave my garden to die, and ambigu-sweetie probably wouldn't tend to it very well, honestly. I could trust him to take care of my 3 cats, and that's about it. And 4 days are going to be spent with wifey's sister Teresa, and she's really intimidating and unhealthy, and so are her adult children, so I didn't really want to stay over with them. What really sealed the deal on me deciding not to go to Alabama, though, is now the trip has been extended to roughly 3 weeks. I really don't want to be away for 3 weeks, at all. 2 weeks would have been fine, but not 3 weeks.

So, I am going to stay home. I wish it would be a lot of time to myself, and it will be, mostly! But ambigu-sweetie will also be here, when he's not at work, and when he's not playing video games or watching stuff on Netflix.

It does kinda suck that I'm not going, because I hate for wifey to have to wrangle Nate mostly by herself. Plus, I feel really guilty because I know Nate is going to miss me. And then I feel even guiltier, because I'm kinda looking forward to things being quiet, and less messy, and not having to worry that Nate will get upset and hit me or throw something at me (he has been struggling with extra aggression since the structure of school is done for the Summer). Of course, I'm sure once Nate's been gone for 2 days, I'm going to be desperate for him to be home. Also, wifey is probably going to make a day trip to Panama City Beach in Florida, and I've never really been to the Ocean, and wanted to go.

Wifey said we can eventually try to save up to drive to Myrtle Beach for a couple of days/nights, though. First, though, we're saving up for our extremely belated honeymoon, which we want to have at a cabin in Hocking Hills, here in Ohio. The belated honeymoon is a goal for an anniversary. This year will be our 3rd handfasting anniversary, but we probably won't have enough money saved up by September (we have about 25 dollars saved up, and need 200 total). So, hopefully next year?

On a much sadder note, one of wifey's cousins has died by suicide. Wifey didn't know her very well, and hadn't seen her since she was a small child. The cousin was 36, a veteran of Iraq, and a 911 operator. It's hitting wifey pretty hard, because even though she barely remembers this cousin, the cousin was so young, and suicide is never timely, of course. And she's really worried about her aunt and her mom, because they are not in great health. I didn't know this woman at all, but I'm so sorry she didn't feel there was another option for her. I hope and pray she is at peace now, and I hope and pray for anyone with suicidal thoughts to seek help. It really can get better, and help is out there. There are people who care, including me. RIP Carrie.
LOTS of updates, because I suck at keeping this thing updated, and I really do mean to, but life and spoons get in the way. Well, lack of spoons.

So, Nate graduated special needs preschool. There was no ceremony, but I guess they did something fun on his last day of school :-)






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It seems Ohio is finally out of danger of frost, so my garden is finally planted! Most of it is in containers, because the soil on this side of town is horrific and full of literal pieces of garbage, no matter how deep you dig. I got huge square containers from Lowe's for my veggies, and put them in the backyard. Standard tomatoes, cherry tomatoes, green beans, and zucchini. Much less space that I was accustomed to at my old apartment, but hopefully things will grow okay, even if I don't get monstrously large zucchini like I did in the past. In front of my apartment, I dug up the flowerbed and planted a variety of flowers in there. I also have lots of pots on my porch and on the railing of my porch, with various flowers. Sunflowers, gladioli, forget me nots (for the flower pot that's the memorial to the child I miscarried), impatiens, marigolds, morning glories, and I forget what else! I also put a hanging flower basket in my kitchen, with some various flowers and sweet williams.

Nate helped me plant. Well, he mostly helped me dig! I tried to give him the box of impatiens seeds, and told him to "gently sprinkle it all over the soil" in the flowerbed. Instead, he dumped it out in one huge heap. Luckily, we were able to then spread it out with our hands, so it worked out anyway.

I didn't want to have to find people to pay to mow my portions of the lawn this year, so I got a manual push mower. You know, without gas or battery or anything, powered by sheer physical force. It's not as bad as I was expecting, but my arms, legs, and back sure felt it later that night!

I'm trying to be more active, to make healthier choices, so that hopefully I can lose some weight. Besides the lawn work, I have been walking more, and using my little foot pedal machine in my bedroom. I'm trying to remind myself that the most important thing is not the number on the scale, but making my body and mind feel healthier. It's a struggle, though, to not fall into eating disordered habits: One of the days when I was really active this week, I fell back into the old trap of not eating at all during the day, until dinner. Which I know is not a good choice for me, as it leads to bingeing and further messes up my metabolism.

I'm also trying to be more cognizant of the calorie amounts in beverages, drinking more water, paying attention to portion sizes, eating more fruits and veggies, etc.

We'll see how this goes. I'm trying!

Birthdays, the flu, musicals, and more.

Wow, I've been away for awhile.

My 37th (ugh) birthday was March 11. I was not happy about it. I felt, and still feel, like I don't really have anything to show for my life. I've achieved nothing, nothing memorable about me, nothing to leave behind when I die someday.

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(Mostly) happier stuff.

On a lighter note, we had something like 5 inches of snow, and a level 2 snow emergency today. It's beautiful out! My energy level was okay today, and I was able to manage with my current mid-back pain to have some fun in the snow with my dog Macy and little Nate.

Wifey and I took Nate to a nearby park with a big hill, so he could ride his "snow boogie board," sled-style. I mentioned that I've never actually ridden on a sled, and the snow board is pretty long, so I rode down with Nate one time. It was scary, but fun.

Macy gets horribly carsick, so we don't take her in a car unless absolutely necessary. So I played with her in the backyard, and she was going crazy in the snow.

Oh, and we found out that Nate's now diagnosed with ADHD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder, in addition to his Autism and Global Developmental Delay. And it's going to be over a year before he's at the top of the waitlist for ABA therapy at Children's Hospital. But... I mentioned all this to my therapist, and she told me that her practice has a therapist who specializes in children with autism and related disorders, who also has ABA training, does lots of play therapy, etc. She gave me that therapist's card. So wifey is going to call and see about that as an option for Nate, because that therapist has current openings, and it wouldn't interfere with Nate still receiving speech therapy etc through Children's.

Anyway, here are some pictures from the snow today:




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